I joined the high school newspaper in my senior year for one reason—so I could have my own comic-strip. It was called Dweezlebwob 634 and featured talking cheese and a sentient severed finger, amongst other oddities. Despite this, the newspaper staff also saw fit to foolishly give me my own column, “The Other Side of the Ditch.” I squandered this honor by writing about ludicrous conspiracies and other facetious topics.

Below is the second installment—a revelation of the dangers of mosquitoes.

Note – yes, I know who Kirk Cameron is and no, Kurt Cobain was not still in a coma at this time. He had died six months prior. Yes, I was aware of these things before I wrote this column.

The Other Side of the Ditch
Number Two
28 October 1994

As of late, Louisiana is being plagued by mosquitoes that carry encephalitis. To common eyes, it would appear to be a natural epidemic, but it is apparent that it is truly a conspiracy on behalf of mosquitoes to reclaim the earth.

Steven Spielberg’s movie “Jurassic Park” raises two interesting points. The first is that not only did mosquitoes exist during the age of dinosaurs, but they were able to retain their blood and obviously their DNA. The other point is that dinosaurs were the predecessors of the bird. I am definitely not one to accuse Steven Spielberg or Michael Crichton of lying, so their data must be factual. It is common knowledge that the dangerous encephalitisly-infected mosquitoes are contracting the disease from birds. Birds, a form of mutated dinosaur, are passing this disease onto mosquitoes, an insect with the ability to store DNA in its body and allow humans to replicate the dinosaur.

If anyone doubts that the bird could be the offspring of the feral dinosaur, let them be reminded of Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds,” a movie (as well as a story, but who reads nowadays?) in which birds (mutated dinosaurs) attack and mutilate humanity. In reality, birds may have a hard time destroying mankind, but its ancestral dinosaur may not. Allow me to explain. Encephalitis causes inflammation of the brain. This can cause brain damage, as well as inexpressive facial expressions. It is also the “sleeping sickness” which can cause one to lapse into a coma (Do not forget about that Kirk Cameron guy from Nirvana who is in a coma, rather suspicious). A mentally-challenged, inexpressive, comatose human is basically a zombie or pawn. Long ago, birds bred encephalitis in hopes of using it someday to control mankind. When human scientists become zombified slaves of the mosquitoes, these puppets will be used to imitate “Jurassic Park” and bring back the dinosaur. If birds are truly mutated dinosaurs, they will use their DNA (easily extracted from mosquitoes) to recreate the dinosaur. These dinosaurs will decimate humanity and reclaim Earth. If this still seems unlikely, consider the following: this generation of toddlers have already become the followers of the purple dinosaur, Barney. If this one ingenious, charismatic dinosaur can control the next generation, imagine what a million could do.