One of the greatest feelings in life is waking up early in the morning and realizing you don’t have to get up for work or school so you can go back to sleep. For as long as you want. I discovered a situation that brings a similar satisfaction today. When I picked up my mail, there were two envelopes. A bank statement, and (shit!) a Jury Summons. For a moment I was upset, I had Jury Duty less than a year ago. I’m not supposed to get it more than once a year! Then, a wonderful feeling passed through my body—elation. The envelope was addressed to the prior tenant. I don’t have Jury Duty!

For now.

Later in my apartment I came across something strange. As I was collapsing on to my bed as I frequently do—sitting or easing into bed is boring—I felt a hard substance in an old pillow I was awarded by my ex-girlfriend. Since I recently purchased two quality pillows (living the high-life) and I am a very curious person, I cut open the pillow. Inside was a pair of headphones. I thought maybe the pillow was set up this way so one could plug a cord into it and hear music, but there was no plug. Either it had been ripped off or that wasn’t the case. If I was paranoid, I would concoct a ridiculous story about how the government is magically using cheap headphones to monitor my activity. I’m not and they are not.

Perhaps they should be.